I'll try not to be annoying to you; people coming to grips with narcissistic abuse is like a honeypot to me. When I had to do it with my mother, it changed my life. Now I do a weekly show all about Cluster B and its effects on society.
As someone who has been where you are, I'd like to offer the following:
1. I think I detect a timidity on your part that my be holding you back. It's clearly provocative to you to think of/label your mother, or another's, as a "narcissistic abuser." But what you describe is, in fact, narcissistic abuse. Some of this, if I'm right, comes from the distorted programming your mother put into you as a child. Your diffidence about saying the word "abuser" reflects that, I believe.
A parent, a mother, who does this, is committing a greater moral sin than a stranger on the street, or a wife, who would do this to you. Does such a parent deserve such continued benefit of the doubt?
2. No, "she didn't mean to be mean," doesn't make it "not abuse."
3. I have been continually surprised by how much abusive people *did mean it*, or *actually did not care that it was abuse*. Did not care enough to stop doing it.
Middle age is the time in our lives when those of us from severely broken childhoods come to serious, life-changing realizations. About human nature, dark psychology, character, and, yes, the people are parents *really are and always have been*. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. And it set me free.
Some deep work you guys are doing there! Thanks for sharing, it's kind of like free therapy for the rest of us.
Sometimes we do have to detach from the toxic people in our lives, or maybe they aren't toxic but simply too fluffy to take like cotton candy. Other times, perhaps the more challenging times, we need to dig deep and do our work so the situation with them becomes neutralized in our minds and hearts. I believe that's when we can know we have done good work, it no longer pings us with pissed-offedness or anger. We can bear witness to their way of being and allow ourselves to just be there with them.
Thank you. And yes: Agree. Sometimes it's healthy boundaries. Sometimes it's a deep, tough talk. Sometimes it's severing the friendship. The latter is rare, ideally.
I'll try not to be annoying to you; people coming to grips with narcissistic abuse is like a honeypot to me. When I had to do it with my mother, it changed my life. Now I do a weekly show all about Cluster B and its effects on society.
As someone who has been where you are, I'd like to offer the following:
1. I think I detect a timidity on your part that my be holding you back. It's clearly provocative to you to think of/label your mother, or another's, as a "narcissistic abuser." But what you describe is, in fact, narcissistic abuse. Some of this, if I'm right, comes from the distorted programming your mother put into you as a child. Your diffidence about saying the word "abuser" reflects that, I believe.
A parent, a mother, who does this, is committing a greater moral sin than a stranger on the street, or a wife, who would do this to you. Does such a parent deserve such continued benefit of the doubt?
2. No, "she didn't mean to be mean," doesn't make it "not abuse."
3. I have been continually surprised by how much abusive people *did mean it*, or *actually did not care that it was abuse*. Did not care enough to stop doing it.
Middle age is the time in our lives when those of us from severely broken childhoods come to serious, life-changing realizations. About human nature, dark psychology, character, and, yes, the people are parents *really are and always have been*. It was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. And it set me free.
May you have similar success.
Loved this. Thank you. There is a famous line from UK poet Philip Larkin which works for so many of us:
‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad,
They don’t mean to, but they do...’
Love that quote! Thanks for reading!!
Some deep work you guys are doing there! Thanks for sharing, it's kind of like free therapy for the rest of us.
Sometimes we do have to detach from the toxic people in our lives, or maybe they aren't toxic but simply too fluffy to take like cotton candy. Other times, perhaps the more challenging times, we need to dig deep and do our work so the situation with them becomes neutralized in our minds and hearts. I believe that's when we can know we have done good work, it no longer pings us with pissed-offedness or anger. We can bear witness to their way of being and allow ourselves to just be there with them.
It's a lifetime of learning, to be sure.
Thank you. And yes: Agree. Sometimes it's healthy boundaries. Sometimes it's a deep, tough talk. Sometimes it's severing the friendship. The latter is rare, ideally.