Without getting too far into the medical, a lot of what I’ll refer to as ‘problems’ can be attributed to the morphine. I’m certain that’s no help, but it’s the one medicine I’ve had and seen that causes such... sadness. It’s a depressant by nature, so it’s also making it harder for him to breathe. In a perfect world I’d see if he could be switched to Fentanyl, that’s more of a place where time doesn’t exist nor do worries. But, yeah, it hurts my heart. I was aware of not being able to feel ‘good’ emotions - only bad to the point that my month in the icu my face atrophied so much it physically hurt to smile. But there are surfacing moments you’re aware and there. But more so those that aren’t. Search for one, do not take the other personally. It’s not him. Morphine is a cheap asshole of a drug and I wish Hospice would use some of their funds to branch out.
Oh no doubt! That’s not what I’m saying. It would be awful to not have it, but there are other drugs that could better keep things calmer. No offense intended, I know how important it is right now and how deeply appreciated for the relief it provides.
Groovy that was a lot of words. Must have been a writers 1000 and all for us. That made the words more powerful i wish thT Rilke was wrong that the wisest are not continually saying goodbye but there is polluted evidence t the contrary. My old dad told a pun on my words today It was like Anneal before your good fortune or i dont know what it was, as if i had said I kneel abt something. Armagoedden out of here i said, old hippy joke. Notes are as real as anything because feeling is subsumed in hormones as a tennis court in our wet ware for good decision making.
I have been thinking of/praying for all of you all day. Not that you owe any of us an update, but I am grateful for it. You will be thankful to have journaled these days.
Without getting too far into the medical, a lot of what I’ll refer to as ‘problems’ can be attributed to the morphine. I’m certain that’s no help, but it’s the one medicine I’ve had and seen that causes such... sadness. It’s a depressant by nature, so it’s also making it harder for him to breathe. In a perfect world I’d see if he could be switched to Fentanyl, that’s more of a place where time doesn’t exist nor do worries. But, yeah, it hurts my heart. I was aware of not being able to feel ‘good’ emotions - only bad to the point that my month in the icu my face atrophied so much it physically hurt to smile. But there are surfacing moments you’re aware and there. But more so those that aren’t. Search for one, do not take the other personally. It’s not him. Morphine is a cheap asshole of a drug and I wish Hospice would use some of their funds to branch out.
The Morphine has been a godsend, actually. Thank god we have it.
Oh no doubt! That’s not what I’m saying. It would be awful to not have it, but there are other drugs that could better keep things calmer. No offense intended, I know how important it is right now and how deeply appreciated for the relief it provides.
I understand ❤️
Groovy that was a lot of words. Must have been a writers 1000 and all for us. That made the words more powerful i wish thT Rilke was wrong that the wisest are not continually saying goodbye but there is polluted evidence t the contrary. My old dad told a pun on my words today It was like Anneal before your good fortune or i dont know what it was, as if i had said I kneel abt something. Armagoedden out of here i said, old hippy joke. Notes are as real as anything because feeling is subsumed in hormones as a tennis court in our wet ware for good decision making.
I have been thinking of/praying for all of you all day. Not that you owe any of us an update, but I am grateful for it. You will be thankful to have journaled these days.
My heart is with all of your hearts ❤️
❤️❤️
❤️❤️